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Name: Jim Winterburn
Location: Stromness 8th/9th/12th/13th/14th/and nearly Hoy Sound
Competition: Hamilton Cup
Description:
Bit of an unusal one this in so much that it isn't actually involving a golf shot.
Having struck a beautiful soaring wedge into the heart of the 8th green Jim and his group set off towards the 9th tee to deposit their clubs before striding purposefully down to the 8th green ready to 3-stab for a 4.
Jim obviously still feeling some guilt at having purchased an electricity hungry lead battery behemoth of a caddy car (despite Mother Earth's fragile global environment) switched off its motor and was letting it free wheel it's way down to the 9th tee. On reaching the tee he flicked the switch to turn off the insessant whine that comes with these machines. Unfortunately it was Melvin that was producing the whine not the electric motor on this occasion! Blissfully unware that he'd just turned on the Powakaddy Jim walked away... Melvin had noticed however the powakaddy setting off but just assumed he'd set it to go for 10m and wandered down to join Jim at the green.
Arriving back at the tee the players were greeted by the sight of not only the Out of Bounds looming but only 2 bags of clubs. Hmmm in a piece of deduction that Holmes himself would have been proud of they figured it was Jim's clubs that had gone AWOL but a quick scan over the the neighboring fairways provided no clue as to their whereabouts. At this point I am strangely reminded of a scene in Star Wars where R2D2 is bobbling across the desert wasteland watched by Jawas. Anyway I digress..
A witness was at hand on the 13th tee to give Jim some help. Malachy had spotted Jim-3PO looking somewhat bewildered on the 9th and frantically waved at him and pointed down across the 14th at the large 20ft bank of earth beside the greenkeepers shed. Sure enough in the morning sun the glint of a stranded aluminum powakaddy could be seen halfway up it!
One slightly worrying aspect to this whole incident is how it reflects on today's society and their charity towards fellow man. One onlooker of this stray caddy car was heard to say, as it traversed unattended across four holes, that he didn't think it was his job to stop it! But that's a council employee for you...
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Name: Olly Sinclair
Location: Stromness 1st.
Competition: OMPC Qualifying Rd 1
Description:
OK it was windy...
OK he hadn't played for a while (years by the look of it!)...
OK he'd just flown back across the Atlantic...
But 'I'm a bad golfer' section doesn't accept excuses.
The stage was set, it was the first Major of the season - qualifying for the Orkney Matchplay. A prestigious event and nerves were showing on the first tee. Olly being a shy, quiet, unassuming kinda guy was suffering more than most. It wouln't have been a total shock for him to have whiffed an air shot or topped it but to his credit he made a beautiful contact between ball and clubface. Unfortunatly for him the clubface was pointing at Colin Marwick's garden. A reload was in order and as always is the way the 2nd attempt is a sweeter strike than the first and this was no exception - it made it into Ronald Wilson's garden!
Having run out of gardens to hit into Ollie adjusted his banana-ball into a mere slap and found the right rough. Apt as that was what his score was becoming: 'right rough'. With the cost of two lost balls playing on his mind it was no surprise his next shot was far from ideal and I think his playing partner Martin Fleet sums it up best with "...shot sort of nearly went backwards...", Martin couldn't see it clearly from where he was or was it the tears in his eyes?!
The next three shots were described as 'chapped it up to the green' where he duly 3 putted for a total of 12. So at least his short game was no worse than normal!
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Name: (El Capitano) Dougie A Slater
Location: Stromness 9th, althought to be fair the 7th saw most of the action!
Competition: Foinaven
Description:
This has to be filed in the section 'Revenge is sweet'.
As part of his bright new dawn as club captain, Dougie deemed it worthy that anyone who scored a 10 at a hole should have it brought to light and ridiculed in front of as big an audience as possible, then have it filled in on a sheet and posted on the noticeboard. As if having a 10 on the card wasn't distressing enough! In fact, if I was in anyway cynical I would say he invented this 'club' after I had a 10 early on this year... hmmm.
Anyway, imagine the warm feeling inside all the 'club' members when news spread from the course of Mr Slater's 13 at the 9th in the first round of the Foinaven Trophy. It was assembled in some style and involved just under a mile of walking!
First tee shot OB onto the 7th.
Three off the tee now... drive away left into some juicy stuff. Confident they had a good line on it the group walked the 250yd up to find it.
No joy.
250yds back tramped Dougie with ball and offending driver in hand mumbling something about his ill fortune...
Five off the tee now saw it sail majestically over the wall OB onto the 7th again.
250yd walk back up to his bag for another ball and...
250yd back to the tee.
Seven off the tee now and the 7th fairway was saved yet another pitchmark only by the stone wall separating the two holes as Dougie's ball nestled up against it.
250yd back up the hole he went.
A delicate hack edged the ball (his 4th one on this hole so must be a Top Flite XL by now!) from the wall.
The pitch to the green was left short... unlike the chip which if any of his drives had had the same flight characteristics he'd have been fine as it rocketed straight, low and true past the pin and out the back of the green.
A chip back on and 2 putts later the new 13 Club was born!
Needless to say word travels faster (and a damnsite straighter) than one of Dougie's drives and by the time he arrived at the bar a new '13 Club' poster was on the board with his name on it! Wonder who could have done that...?
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Name: Various! (Graham Flett, Olly Sinclair, Steven Poke & John McCafferty)
Location: Stromness 1st, 2nd, 6th x2, 16th.
Competition: Stromness Open
Description:
Well... where to start. You wait for ages then 4 come along at once!
Lets start with Graham Flett or tadpole as he should be known seeing as he spends most his time in ponds! Round 1 Stromness Open at the 16th tee he pulls out the 'Managing Director' or his MD 'Rescue' club (a more un aptly named club I have yet to find on this evidence). A thin off the toe saw it fire low & right into the GUR pond at the new 15th. Not a great shot I'm sure you'll agree but hardly worth a mention in this page... correct, but his next one certainly is! Having to take a drop into the drop zone just short of the bridge he pulled out his 3 iron and let rip at the green.... Another top/thin just cleared the water but hit a rock on the far bank. An instant 90 degree change in direction saw the ball soar majestically in the the air like a small round Saturn 5 rocket. All four players watched in awe as it reached the lower stratosphere but then started to edge backward as it dropped from the heavens straight at them. Slightly charred from re-entry the ball landed from its 200yd flight exactly 5 yds ahead of where it had left! He ended up with a 6.
This wasn't the end of tadpole's water fun for the day however as a 'thinned the bags of it' tee shot at the 2nd in rd 2 saw a Barnes Wallace skip across the water roll up the bank and back down into the drink. "Worth a look" I said to him thinking it may just be on the waters edge and playable, so we all went round for a butchers. Graham's luck was not with him as we found his ball fully 6 inches underwater nestled in among rock. "Aye you'll get that out..." egged on Kenny Sinclair and despite a look of "No you won't" by me Graham edged to the waters edge with his expendable wedge in hand. WHOOSH and SPLOOSH followed as an 8ft column of water was lifted and then dropped onto Graham by his valiant attempt to shift the ball. Needless to say it never budged. Sensing reality may set in or maybe just because he wanted another laugh Kenny piped up "Aye, you'll get it this time"! Despite another look of "No, REALLY you won't" from me Graham let rip again. WHOOSH and SPLOOSH again another few gallons showered down on him and his still stationary ball. Much I'm sure to Kenny's disappointment he picked up and went for a drop - 7 was his score but 10pts for effort!
Just before this human fountain display by Graham it was ironic that it was our other playing partner John Cafferty that could have done with some cooling off after a nightmare 1st hole!
Now John is a slightly firey character who bemoaned his luck after most shots (good or bad) in rd 1, so when a perfect 3 wood up the 1st in rd 2 was lost (still don't know how) we feared the worst as lava was starting to flow from his ears as he marched back to the tee. A low right shot followed and was found nestling 1 foot into the island spinach just short of the rocks. "He's not gonna like this..." I remarked to Kenny & Graham. Sure enough a rainbow of language emerged on John's arrival at the ball. We all fled the vicinity before major eruption. An almighty hack to the ball followed and he did well to shift it into the rocks 10 yds ahead of him! We didn't do so well in trying to find it however. Back he went to his island of rough to hack his now 6th shot out onto the fairway. A pitch to the back of the green and 3 putts later (isn't it always the way) and a new member of the 10 club emerged. His mood did lighten with a birdie at the 9th so the 3 handicapper made it out in 48... still, you've got tae laugh eh John :o)
Now onto the sixth hole which saw more that its fair share of golf scorecard carnage.
First up, Steven Poke. Not too bad a tee shot, pin high to the right. No trouble between him and the hole. Should be good chance of a par you'd think... wouldn't be mentioned here if he had now would it! A thinned chip saw it breeze past the hole and into a bigger sandier one at the left side of the green. Fortunately Steven is very similar to the master of sand play - Gary Player... however this is only in so much that he dresses in black and doesn't extend to his bunker skills! A thinned escape saw the ball breeze past the hole and back to his original position. Safety first this time for Steven as he reached for the putter and stroked it beautifully towards the hole. It breezed past the hole and back into the bunker. Thinned back out again to the original position (again!) his playing partners Eric & Mark thoughtfully asked for permission to laugh! A solid snowman (8) at the par 3 was the final outcome.
This wasn't the worst display of short game buffoonery at this hole however. Oh no, this claim goes to Olly Sinclair. Again a decent tee shot left Olly 5 yds left of the pin. However the 'Sands of Poke' were between him and the pin. Now Olly is very similar to the master of flop shots - Phil Mickleson... however this is only in so much that both can't play right handed so good! Olly flopped it in the bunker... ironically Olly's bunker play actually makes Steven look like Gary Player as 3 digs at it only succeeded in jamming it beneath the face. Going out sideways was the only option now and to his credit Olly succeeded, a little too well! Now up against the OB fence he could only go backwards but bladed it further down the fence towards the 7th tee. A pitch back landed Olly back in a circle to where his original tee shot finished. I can only assume a chip and 3 putts followed to give him his 12, I say this as nobody in the group really saw his finish to the hole through all the tears in their eyes!
All this makes Sid's shanked putt look good ;-) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Ralf Stevenson
Location: Stromness 15th hole
Competition: Sunday sweep
Description:
Now settle back because this is a bit special...
Now we've all heard that tongue in cheek phrase after a bad shot 'Well at least its getting closer to the hole...' This should give you all a clue as to errr what happened next.
Ralf stepped up on the 199yd par 3 15th tee only to clobber his tee shot off a tee marker a see it fly backwards over his head behind the small wall at the back of the tee that we all shelter behind in Stromness Opens or pee against in every other competition. Mildly amusing to say the least but luck was on Ralf's side however as it stopped short of finding the knee high salad that lurked further back.
Ralf returned to his bag and selected his next club on the now 210yd par 3. A swift strike saw the ball thinned beautifully against the wall and returned back over Ralf into the aforementioned salad.
A par at the now 220yd par 3 (out of the bundocks) seemed unlikely but to Ralf's credit he was still willing to give it a go. In a true show of raw power and strength he not only remove the ball from the terrible lie but still had enough power in it to return via the wall back further over his head into the silage!!!! The fact he had already played 3 at the now 230yd par 3 proved too much and he picked up, shame really as another couple of shots and he'd surely have made it back onto the 14 fairway 50yds back! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Eric Winifred Sutherland
Location: Stromness 15th hole (and 12th)
Competition: McVitie Rd 2
Description:
At last(!) another entry for 'I'm a bad golfer..' and it's from the cross country golf genius himself - Fluffy er Furry Sutherland.
They say your most important shot in a round is your first. Oh dear. So if that is the case perhaps starting on the 15th (the hardest tee shot on the course at the moment) isn't really the best idea...
With trusty 5 wood in hand Eric strode purposely onto the tee on this lovely warm sunshine filled evening however dark clouds were about to gather. Eric tends to favour a gentle draw for his shots however when you pull/smother it the ball tends to have a low fast left fllightpath. Luckily for Eric the ball was prevented from burying deep in the left hand salad by striking the top of the wall that runs 50yds parallel to the hole. Its flight then altered dramatically from low and forward to high and backward! With a delicate touch that Phil Mickleson would be proud of it touched down on the green and trickled off the front edge... the 12th green that is.
Engaging 3x3 wheel drive Eric and his powakaddy set off back up the hill still hopeful of rescuing a par 3. A powershank with a 6 iron put paid to this dream and his ball as it disappeared into the righthandside of the pond that borders the 17th. Lucky again that its GUR he got a free drop! From dropzone a wedge through the green, a chip back through the green, a putt onto the green and a tap in 6 was the result of the 375yd par 3!!! Classy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Kenny Slater
Location: Stromness 5th hole (and 4th and 3rd)
Competition: Foinaven Rd 2
Description:
This was rather unfortunate for poor Kenny as not only did I witness his shot but so did Glen who happened to have his camera and got it all in glorious digital technicolor.
| When we arrived on the 3rd tee we noticed a rather large gathering of players around the 5th green and a rather lonesome figure 200yds back on the 4th fairway, that man was Kenny. I assume he'd lost a ball left and had to go back and replay the shot while letting the group behind through. This was taking some time being as we were all in fourballs that day so Kenny had a rather long time to ponder the error of his ways and assess his options for the shot in hand. |
Kenny carefully lines up his (200yd) shot, slightly left to right me thinks... |
Having decided his plan of attack he stood up and struck the ball ...
...as often happens at the last minute that fear of Out of Bounds 400 yds left took over and he bailed out right.... WAY RIGHT! |
Don't go left... don't go left... ah, didn't go left |
His anguish is captured beautifully here by Glen's camera work. Bit of a shame we have no pictures of the hilarity all around though.
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 ..... 
Think actions speak louder than words for these photos viewers. |
After much wiping of the tears (both Kenny's and ours!) he cut a dejected figure as he trailed across the 4th and 3rd fairways only to find his ball had become the latest victim of Sinclair's pond. All be it the first person to find it playing the 5th! |
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Ahhh the soothing sound of water lapping gently against the banks of the pond on a sunny Sunday afternoon... now I ask you, what could be more relaxing?
TWACK! TAKE THAT YA LITTLE WHITE BAS...... |
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Name: Club Captain, Eric W Sutherland (Again!)
Location: Stromness 17th hole (AGAIN!!!!)
Competition: McVitie & Price Rd 3
Description:
Being in the group behind I was quite fortunate to witness the aftermath of this incident!
Myself, Malachy (see above!) & Keith Johnston arrived on the tee to see the group ahead (Eric, Den and Garson) searching for a ball out to the right in some very juicy salad. They waved us through (some good etiquette folks!) and nothing seemed that out of the ordinary.
That was until we looked back from the green to see a somewhat widespread group! Den was dragging his big bottom lip back to the clubhouse for an NR (are you reading this Angus Hutchison?!). Garson meanwhile was fishing around in the ditch for his ball while Eric rather strangely was wandering back up the path outside the dyke along the shore back towards the tee. Hmmm something fishy here!
Turns out that it was Erics first ball they were searching for out right. He had played a provisional (good sensible etiquette from the Club Captain again folks) but had topped it into a bad lie. Seems after another hack at it with a wedge proved too much for him and a case of 'Silver helicopter' was called for. In what can only be described as a schoolboy error from the master of club throwing he pull hooked his club over the fence into grass even thicker than where is first ball had found. After 5 mins fruitless searching he and Garson carried on and completed their rounds. Surely he should have thrown a provisional?!
On completion a sodden shoulder slumped figure was seen from the clubhouse window skulking back out to the point! 15 mins later he arrived back complete with wedge and 10 more air miles on his club. Nice one! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Malachy JJ McFerran
Location: Whalsay
Competition: Stableford Practice Round
Description:
Not sure how he managed this but he scored a grand total of 6 stableford points! Wasn't as if it was a couple of flashes of magic either, more like steady ...umm.... golf shall we say, his two halfs were both 3 pts! Bejesus. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our next Nomination comes from both Kenny Inkster and I, we were fortunate enough to witness some (many!) outstanding shots over the course of the weekend from Eric 'Furry' Sutherland - and when I say 'over the course' I mean ALL over the course!
Name: Eric W Sutherland
Location: 17th/18th//No man's land/15th/back onto the 17th!!!
Competition: Ackroyd Rd 2
Description:
Being in the group behind we had a good view of the events as they unfolded, although it took a bit of working out just what was happening and which hole he was playing.
Tee shot of the 17th found the little dip in the 17th fairway - bit unlucky but still not a good shot to be that short in the first place! Second shot was a 'Top Shank'! Bounced of the road and came to rest halfway up 18 near the black & white pole (200 yards right of where he should be!). Third shot was another shank (sorry left the face wide open, yeah right!) into the the bushes over the wall at the side of the 15th! Penalty drop into a shocking lie next. Hack moved backwards, another hack flopped it out over the wall near 15th fairway. Wedge (NO SHANK this time!!!) to over back of 17th green. Chip and then holed a good putt for a 10! Class.
But best shank was saved for Sunday off the 8th! A real right angular J Arthur up the 9th. In fact he was further away from the 8th green after his tee shot - must be a first! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Denis Harvey
Location: Most of Kirkwall course
Competition: Tanco Cup
Description:
Our second nomination is from our old pal Andrew 'Can em' Groundwater who was fortunate enough to view not just one but three 'Top Shanks' from none other that former Stromness Open winner Den 'Sponge' Harvey'. I'll leave Andrew to describe them as only he can...
"Brian,
I'd like to nominate my good friend Denis Harvey for the next 'I'm a bad
golfer, get me out of here' award, based on three astounding Shanks last
night in the 1st round of the Ackroyd.
Shank No.1: 15th hole, 3 iron.
I thought it was only the shorter irons that were shankable, but brave
little Denis proved me wrong with a beauty that flew straight over the 14th
green. It sent Jimmy Hutch scrambling for cover before nestling down beside
the gate over from the 17th.
Note: He then tried to play the ball from there and no one saw where it
went, presumably about 3 foot under though. He dropped another and got it
about 30 yards from the green. From here he pulled out a lob wedge and
chipped it in to save a 5! A shank, a lost ball and a chip in - the 15th
had it all for Dirty Den!
Shank No.2: 2nd hole, 6 iron.
A true right angle shank this time, obviously the shorter iron enables
Harvey to really impart some Shabba Ranks spin on that baby. It was over
the water and in the gutter before it even reached the bridge.
Shank No.3: 2nd hole, 6 iron.
Who says lightning doesn't strike twice? This one did make it over the
bridge, just, but still came to the same earthy fate. Denis sensibly
avoided the hat trick by dropping down near the water for his third shot and
chapping it up the middle. He finished with a 6.
All this malarky added up to a nice round 80 for the Dirtmeister, or should
it be the Shankulator???
Anyway, please consider Denis' nomination. I'm sure you'll agree he is well
worth a mention.
regards
Andrew 'Can 'em' Groundwater"
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A feature dedicated to particularly bad shots you'd
want to forget. Inspired by 'Clapper' Sinclair's nightmare
80 in the S Stones Open. Seem's he found a few 'Mans holes'
that day!
First up for this award has to be myself (it's only fair!).
Name: Brian Corsie
Location: 17th Tee, Kirkwall
Competition: Gorn's Open
Description:
Well, in my defence I did need 2 birdies to finish and it
was the 'Long Drive' hole. So naturally I tried to give
it that 10% extra. I caught it beautifully, unfortunately
beautifully on the sole of the driver not the face. Plop!
topped 10 yards into the quarry. Longest Dive winner maybe?!
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